"But uh, why wouldn't you like to be Queen Pete"

"Well uh, the trouble is you see, you're always being looked at wherever you go you're in the public eye. You go to the theatre, nobody looks at the stage, they're always looking at you. And it's like living in a goldfish bowl Dud"

"Oh I wouldn't mind living in that goldfish bowl Pete. Im mean that palace it's at least twice the size of Dagenham dye works"

"It's a nice area too, it's very handy for the west end"

"West end? They don't need the west end. They've got their own shops in there, they've got their own cinema, I mean it's the only place in the west end, in the cinema where they don't play the National Anthem after a performance"

"Well that's an advantage isn't it, mind you think of all the extra meal expenses they  have yeah. Keep of the children, the clothing, the food for all the pets, all those royal pets they have."

"I mean, those royal corgis' eat like horses, don't they Pete"

"Huge appetites, not to mention the Royal Seals, always jumping up in the grounds there"

"Yeah"

"All that food has to come out of there pockets you know"

"Yes, of course it does Pete"

"I mean it's a very busy life, you only have to look at the Royal Diary to realise what a busy life it is"

"Have a peep in the diary"

"Yes you get an indication Dud. 7:30, got up, had a cup of tea, got into long car, waved, open Parliament. Come back, had lunch with Mr wilson, got into long car, waved, cut ribbon, launched oil tanker. Come back, Mr Wilson still there. Looking round for his brief case containing secret measurements of C. P. Snow. Posed for Battle Of britain stamp. Had tea with three thousand people, tried to meet them all."

"5 O'Clock, soak hand in metholated spirits. 6 O'Clock, practise sitting on horse sideways. 7 O'clock, got into long car, waved, went to Commonwealth dance festival"

"11.30, come home, cup of cocoa, goodnight diary. Terrible isn't it, it's a very very busy life that"

"Very busy life that, yeah. Mr Wilson seems to hang about a bit, doesn't he?"

"Well he's always creeping arounf there Dud. Of course being a Socialist, he's fascinated by the trappings of Royalty. Before he became Prime Minister, the grandest building he had ever seen was the Hampstead Golf Club. He's always nipping round there, fingering the gold lame curtains"

"Stroking the statues"

"Yes, casting covetous eyes on the tapestries it's non stop"

"Of course you know, Harold you know, lt's face it Pete, Harold is a bit of a drag. Drasville ville Pete"

"Drasville ville Dud"

"On the other hand her majesty does have a chance to meet some interesting people"

"Well the trouble is, that although they're very interesting, when they get round the Palace they're so nervous they become boring you see. They're overawed by the occassion. Like the over day, Albert Einstein, the bloke who invented gravity, he went round toe collect his obe"

"His what"

"To collect his obe for inventing the gravity. A very interesting person and a fine mind. The Queen was looking forward to meeting him, asking him a few questions you see. So Einstein was waiting there, all tense, waiting for his medal. So her Majesty came up and stuck one on him and said to him, Hello Mr Einstein, how does all this gravity business work. But Einstein was so nervous, his teeth dropped out on the floor. Mind you her Majesty pased it off very lightly and said ha ha Mr Einstein, I see gravity is at work again and with a tinkling laugh moved on to Tony Curtis, who was picking up a Baronecy"

"That's marvellous you see"

"That's wonderful, wonderful"

"What's the tiome by the way"

"It's about quarter past nine Dud"

"Really"

"And do you know at this moment, her Majest is probaby exercising the royal perogative"

"What's that then Pete?"

"Don't you know the Royal Perogative? It's a wonderful animal Dud, it's a legendary beast. Half Bird, half Fish, half Unicorn"

"Oh I know, there's one and half of them left, iremember now"

"That's right, there's one and half left and it's being exercised at this very moment"

"Really"

"Yes"

"I remember now, they feed it on a diet of honey, lychees and stewed kippers."

"Yes it's very choosy. And they also get the Royal Accolade, a sort of fizzy substance out of bottles"

"Yeah"

"And you know, the legend has it that ere so long as the Royal Pergotive lives, happiness and laughter will reign throughout this green and pleasant land"

"And the yeoman will stand firm upon this Sceptered Isle, Pete"

"The Archers will look out ere the dales and see happy, happy laughing children smiling"

"And flaxen hair Anglo Saxon youths will scan the fun flicked ways for mauraderers"

Rule Britania, Britania rules the waves

"Course it does Dud"

"Course it does Pete"

